The Truth.
Daniel RavenCroft and I were sat on a stony beach watching the sky explode with colour around us as the sun began to kiss the horizon, spilling her golden glow all across the sea right up to the shore itself. There was a light breeze as the air began to cool. We kept ourselves warm with the fires in our hands. As the sun gave us her final wink before disappearing beneath the curvature of the earth, darkness began to descend. It was almost pitch black and I could hardly see him sat next to me- let alone the gentle waves I could hear ahead. The clouds in the sky cleared after some time and the beach flooded with moonlight.
"Do you see the Darkness in the sky Lucius?"
I nod.
"What else can you see?"
I tell him I can see the stars and the moon. Unsure of where he is going.
He points out that when you look up at the night sky and see the vastness of the dark, the stars and the moon are so small by comparison. That this is true, the vastness of space greatly outnumbers the stars.
"But look around you Lucius, yes the stars and moon are small within the overwhelming darkness, but even alone they have enough light to push the darkness away from this whole beach, allowing us to see"
Reading through this blog that I had written all those years ago, I see now a different Lucius to the one that he perhaps saw in himself. I see a Lucius who was scared and alone. As well as an exorcist, a child. A teenager defined by a single terrible decision carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I see in the words of the my old posts the same emptiness that I carry in my heart today. Such is manhood, that I now look back and see the truth.
"Nothing is true and everything is permitted" indeed...
This is the story I've never had the courage to tell- the true story of Lucius RavenCroft.
***
The story starts roundabout the late 80's when my mother flew from overseas to London and settled down here, but in reality I'm sure the story started a lot further back than that.
The ability to perceive and use magic has run through my mother's family for generations- but the details are hazy. The circumstances under which my mother came to the UK have always been under a shroud. I don't know much beyond certain facts about her family and life before arriving here. But I know that she always had a knack for divination, whether it was through Tarot- or her personal favourite, tea leaves. I let her do this with me twice, and both times her predictions were so terrifyingly accurate that I never allowed her to do it again. When I say knack, I mean an awesome power I have never seen held in the hands of another magic user since.
Whenever I tried to broach any of the subjects with her, she would look into the distance, smile that sad smile, and move on. I only know bits and pieces of information from our grandmother and then from a more formal source- nobility lost and friends who died.
Most practitioners of magic have a choice about whether they take the plunge or not. I unfortunately, was not so lucky. The world of the supernatural came to me, burst into my life like a burglar breaking into a home.
Against the back-drop of abuse at home, I was targeted by the demonic myself for my latent talent. It was a dark time. I was fighting lead only by my heart, to protect my brother. I didn't fully understand what was going on, but I knew I had to fight.
At the lowest point I was rescued by the now deceased Dark Order and after that series of affairs were concluded they took me under their wing.
I was thrust into a war for the world, a battle between the damned and the demonic. But it didn't feel like that at the time. I was now 15 years old and for the first time in my life I knew what love was, what family was. I didn't feel like I was in a war, I felt like I had found my home. I was fighting evil and making friends, every school-boy's dream.
Then it happened, the Armageddon. We had been preparing for it for some time but nobody could have predicted how bad it was going to be.
Suddenly, just like that, they were gone. I was alone again in the world and the truth is I was very scared. My whole family were slaughtered in front of me as I stood there powerlessly, sealing their fate with my own two hands. I wasn't meant to survive, but then again, what wouldn't a father do for their son?
And that's the truth of the matter. Master Daniel RavenCroft may have been for the most part a voice on the other end of the phone or a face on the other side of a screen. But he wasn't entirely that. He drove out to see me when he could to check up on me and make sure I was okay, he was the first person to ever give me a hug, at a time when I needed it the most- and he taught me what it meant to be a man. He is the only person in my life I was ever able to lean on- as soon as he was gone, it was left to me.
I found myself lost, truly lost. The Dark Order fell to me as the last survivor and my knees began to buckle underneath the weight of the world that was on my shoulders. There was no time to process the trauma, no time to sort myself out and nobody I could talk to.
That's the ugly truth about my world of magic and madness. When you pierce the veil of ideals and crests and oaths, it came down to the sheer desperation of a man trying to stave off the darkness. A bloody and brutal fight for survival in which nothing was off-limits. There's nothing "cool" about it.
So what do you do, when your life no longer belongs to you? My life belonged from that moment on, to each and every individual who paid the ultimate sacrifice so that I could live. If I saw them now, I don't know what I'd say to them. I don't think they'd be proud of me. I am not a good man. The only reason I didn't take my own life back then was because of the price they paid to ensure I saw the stars again.
In any case, there was still work to do.
I acted impulsively, doing anything and everything to stop the walls from closing in around me. Almost instinctively to stop myself falling apart and to continue to ensure that the Demonic would always face resistance, genuinely, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I introduced others into my world.
I was a frightened teenager who didn't want to be alone, who lacked the maturity to consider the implications on others of this path.
Thankfully, this was at a time when the last fledglings of the demonic were leaving this world and it was certainly nothing that me and my merry band could not deal with alone. I am grateful that in my foolishness I did little harm.
Almost as soon as the work was done, I fell apart.
The true story of Lucius RavenCroft is not that of a hero, but of a child plunged into a world of magic and madness, with only his heart as a compass to guide him- who sealed the fates of the only family he ever knew to prevent a catastrophe. Of a teenager who was left stranded and alone with the weight of his sin, putting on the act of all acts to lead and fight the last of the darkness whilst terrified deep down. Of a young man with a broken compass desperately trying to find his way back home.
There's nothing glamorous about my world, but I am not bitter. The last 5 years since we last spoke dear reader, I've worked cases and beaten back supernatural evils as per, but I also quite by accident stumbled on humanity itself.
And humanity is beautiful.
I've been blessed despite my sin, to have had the opportunity to enjoy a normal human life. I've experience the terrific highs and terrible lows of humanity, falling in love and having my heart broken, welcoming a child into the world (not my own I hasten to add) and holding a dying child in my arms helplessly as the last breaths of life left his body. In between the extremes I've made friends, lost friends, pursued a career and learned a valuable lesson.
That in this world of Angels and Demons, it is easy to forget that the line between good and evil does not run along the Ley-lines between plains, but within the beating hearts of every Woman and every Man. Yes, I have seen first hand the capacity that humans have for evil, but I have also seen the amazing human capacity to do good. The capacity within each man and woman to love selflessly, to be kind and generous for no gain to themselves whatsoever.
Humanity is a mess, it always has been and always will be. From that mess consistently however, emerges fantastic, amazing things. Far too many to list here. It is a soup of consciousness and hearts and minds constantly trying to find their way in this sea of stars, united in their desire to live, to be free, to be happy.
Humanity, is worth fighting for.
I have yet to reconcile being Lucius RavenCroft with being "me".
I recently almost lost my life, my life flashed in front of my eyes and in that moment, all the heart breaks and highs and lows of my human life were put into perspective with my life as Lucius RavenCroft, and if there's one thing that both "me" and Lucius RavenCroft have in common, it's that we both don't like unfinished stories and unhappy endings. The truth is that when my life flashed in front of my eyes, I was left totally surprised by where my memory took me. They took me to places and people I hadn't seen in a very long time.
I am not a good man, good men exist but that is not me.
I am simply a man, who has no right to be here but still finds himself with a heart beating in his chest, a power in his hands and a job to do. An Order to follow.
The Dark Order is not a guild or an organisation, yes we were a group united by purpose with history and tradition, but that is not it.
You see, it is an Order that some of us hear, and once you've heard the order you must decide whether you will follow the order or not.
The Dark Order is the command to fight the dark and demonic, knowing that by doing so, you are forsaking yourself. You are sacrificing your humanity and there's no turning back.
And there is no shame in turning away, not taking the plunge.
So dear reader, I've written this because I have seen that many people have seen this blog and have wanted to become involved, or already are and are seeking validation. It was unfair of me to write this blog and leave it without a parting note. I wanted you to see the truth and the impact that following this order has on a person. Not the "act of all acts" but the truth.
I don't know in truth whether I will update this blog again, however I will continue to fight, as I always have, of course. But-
If you've found yourself here, it is because you have sought this out. No one stumbles on my blog by accident. Think long and hard, please, before embarking on this journey.
And know dear reader, you are in my heart, always.
Lucius RavenCroft.
"Do you see the Darkness in the sky Lucius?"
I nod.
"What else can you see?"
I tell him I can see the stars and the moon. Unsure of where he is going.
He points out that when you look up at the night sky and see the vastness of the dark, the stars and the moon are so small by comparison. That this is true, the vastness of space greatly outnumbers the stars.
"But look around you Lucius, yes the stars and moon are small within the overwhelming darkness, but even alone they have enough light to push the darkness away from this whole beach, allowing us to see"
Reading through this blog that I had written all those years ago, I see now a different Lucius to the one that he perhaps saw in himself. I see a Lucius who was scared and alone. As well as an exorcist, a child. A teenager defined by a single terrible decision carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. I see in the words of the my old posts the same emptiness that I carry in my heart today. Such is manhood, that I now look back and see the truth.
"Nothing is true and everything is permitted" indeed...
This is the story I've never had the courage to tell- the true story of Lucius RavenCroft.
***
The story starts roundabout the late 80's when my mother flew from overseas to London and settled down here, but in reality I'm sure the story started a lot further back than that.
The ability to perceive and use magic has run through my mother's family for generations- but the details are hazy. The circumstances under which my mother came to the UK have always been under a shroud. I don't know much beyond certain facts about her family and life before arriving here. But I know that she always had a knack for divination, whether it was through Tarot- or her personal favourite, tea leaves. I let her do this with me twice, and both times her predictions were so terrifyingly accurate that I never allowed her to do it again. When I say knack, I mean an awesome power I have never seen held in the hands of another magic user since.
Whenever I tried to broach any of the subjects with her, she would look into the distance, smile that sad smile, and move on. I only know bits and pieces of information from our grandmother and then from a more formal source- nobility lost and friends who died.
Most practitioners of magic have a choice about whether they take the plunge or not. I unfortunately, was not so lucky. The world of the supernatural came to me, burst into my life like a burglar breaking into a home.
Against the back-drop of abuse at home, I was targeted by the demonic myself for my latent talent. It was a dark time. I was fighting lead only by my heart, to protect my brother. I didn't fully understand what was going on, but I knew I had to fight.
At the lowest point I was rescued by the now deceased Dark Order and after that series of affairs were concluded they took me under their wing.
I was thrust into a war for the world, a battle between the damned and the demonic. But it didn't feel like that at the time. I was now 15 years old and for the first time in my life I knew what love was, what family was. I didn't feel like I was in a war, I felt like I had found my home. I was fighting evil and making friends, every school-boy's dream.
Then it happened, the Armageddon. We had been preparing for it for some time but nobody could have predicted how bad it was going to be.
Suddenly, just like that, they were gone. I was alone again in the world and the truth is I was very scared. My whole family were slaughtered in front of me as I stood there powerlessly, sealing their fate with my own two hands. I wasn't meant to survive, but then again, what wouldn't a father do for their son?
And that's the truth of the matter. Master Daniel RavenCroft may have been for the most part a voice on the other end of the phone or a face on the other side of a screen. But he wasn't entirely that. He drove out to see me when he could to check up on me and make sure I was okay, he was the first person to ever give me a hug, at a time when I needed it the most- and he taught me what it meant to be a man. He is the only person in my life I was ever able to lean on- as soon as he was gone, it was left to me.
I found myself lost, truly lost. The Dark Order fell to me as the last survivor and my knees began to buckle underneath the weight of the world that was on my shoulders. There was no time to process the trauma, no time to sort myself out and nobody I could talk to.
That's the ugly truth about my world of magic and madness. When you pierce the veil of ideals and crests and oaths, it came down to the sheer desperation of a man trying to stave off the darkness. A bloody and brutal fight for survival in which nothing was off-limits. There's nothing "cool" about it.
So what do you do, when your life no longer belongs to you? My life belonged from that moment on, to each and every individual who paid the ultimate sacrifice so that I could live. If I saw them now, I don't know what I'd say to them. I don't think they'd be proud of me. I am not a good man. The only reason I didn't take my own life back then was because of the price they paid to ensure I saw the stars again.
In any case, there was still work to do.
I acted impulsively, doing anything and everything to stop the walls from closing in around me. Almost instinctively to stop myself falling apart and to continue to ensure that the Demonic would always face resistance, genuinely, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I introduced others into my world.
I was a frightened teenager who didn't want to be alone, who lacked the maturity to consider the implications on others of this path.
Thankfully, this was at a time when the last fledglings of the demonic were leaving this world and it was certainly nothing that me and my merry band could not deal with alone. I am grateful that in my foolishness I did little harm.
Almost as soon as the work was done, I fell apart.
The true story of Lucius RavenCroft is not that of a hero, but of a child plunged into a world of magic and madness, with only his heart as a compass to guide him- who sealed the fates of the only family he ever knew to prevent a catastrophe. Of a teenager who was left stranded and alone with the weight of his sin, putting on the act of all acts to lead and fight the last of the darkness whilst terrified deep down. Of a young man with a broken compass desperately trying to find his way back home.
There's nothing glamorous about my world, but I am not bitter. The last 5 years since we last spoke dear reader, I've worked cases and beaten back supernatural evils as per, but I also quite by accident stumbled on humanity itself.
And humanity is beautiful.
I've been blessed despite my sin, to have had the opportunity to enjoy a normal human life. I've experience the terrific highs and terrible lows of humanity, falling in love and having my heart broken, welcoming a child into the world (not my own I hasten to add) and holding a dying child in my arms helplessly as the last breaths of life left his body. In between the extremes I've made friends, lost friends, pursued a career and learned a valuable lesson.
That in this world of Angels and Demons, it is easy to forget that the line between good and evil does not run along the Ley-lines between plains, but within the beating hearts of every Woman and every Man. Yes, I have seen first hand the capacity that humans have for evil, but I have also seen the amazing human capacity to do good. The capacity within each man and woman to love selflessly, to be kind and generous for no gain to themselves whatsoever.
Humanity is a mess, it always has been and always will be. From that mess consistently however, emerges fantastic, amazing things. Far too many to list here. It is a soup of consciousness and hearts and minds constantly trying to find their way in this sea of stars, united in their desire to live, to be free, to be happy.
Humanity, is worth fighting for.
I have yet to reconcile being Lucius RavenCroft with being "me".
I recently almost lost my life, my life flashed in front of my eyes and in that moment, all the heart breaks and highs and lows of my human life were put into perspective with my life as Lucius RavenCroft, and if there's one thing that both "me" and Lucius RavenCroft have in common, it's that we both don't like unfinished stories and unhappy endings. The truth is that when my life flashed in front of my eyes, I was left totally surprised by where my memory took me. They took me to places and people I hadn't seen in a very long time.
I am not a good man, good men exist but that is not me.
I am simply a man, who has no right to be here but still finds himself with a heart beating in his chest, a power in his hands and a job to do. An Order to follow.
The Dark Order is not a guild or an organisation, yes we were a group united by purpose with history and tradition, but that is not it.
You see, it is an Order that some of us hear, and once you've heard the order you must decide whether you will follow the order or not.
The Dark Order is the command to fight the dark and demonic, knowing that by doing so, you are forsaking yourself. You are sacrificing your humanity and there's no turning back.
And there is no shame in turning away, not taking the plunge.
So dear reader, I've written this because I have seen that many people have seen this blog and have wanted to become involved, or already are and are seeking validation. It was unfair of me to write this blog and leave it without a parting note. I wanted you to see the truth and the impact that following this order has on a person. Not the "act of all acts" but the truth.
I don't know in truth whether I will update this blog again, however I will continue to fight, as I always have, of course. But-
If you've found yourself here, it is because you have sought this out. No one stumbles on my blog by accident. Think long and hard, please, before embarking on this journey.
And know dear reader, you are in my heart, always.
Lucius RavenCroft.
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